I just got home an hour ago after a date that quickly earned the “worst date” title. My previous worst date was a blind date an old high school friend (male) had set up with one of his workmates. My date turned out to be a dark, small guy with zero confidence who couldn’t hold a conversation with me. Apparently my friend thought we would be great together because we were “both short”. Needless to say, i haven’t paid attention to any relationship advice from this friend since then. That was almost 10 years ago.
And then this date today happened. I met this guy 5 years back when i was still working as a civil engineer on the processing plant of the mine i’m currently working at. I am now a mining engineer. I bumped into this guy a couple of days ago while grocery shopping. He asked if he could see me but i told him i was busy. Then yesterday, before 7 am, while i was still in bed, i got a call form a strange number. I let it ring and went back to sleep. A few hours later, he called again. I picked up and he asked to meet me. I figured a chat over a meal wouldn’t hurt. So we agreed to meet this afternoon at 4 pm.
Arrived on time. He was a few minutes late. He was just like remember from way back. hadn’t changed much. He got straight to the point. He waned to spend “foleva” [forever – for my non-Zambian readers] with me. He knew i was single because i do not wear a ring. During our conversation over a late lunch/early dinner, he made the following points:
- he mentioned that i looked like an alcoholic who had started drinking early in the day – i was enjoying a glass of Baileys which i had craved but hadn’t tasted in about 3 years because i couldn’t find it around.
- he mentioned that he was a Jehovah’s Witness and asked if was aware of the implications should i decide to marry him (i’m sure y’all know what i am talking about). He stressed the fact that he is a jealous boyfriend.
- he has my LinkedIn profile picture saved as his screensaver on his desktop. Creepy or what?
- he wanted to be introduced to my boss to make sure there was nothing between us, and to also let him know that i was becoming a married woman so that he starts respecting me as such.
- he wants a minimum of 4 children before i turn 40. I’m 31 now so he did the math and said i needed to get pregnant soon and have 4 months after birth before having my next child if he was to have his 4 kids.
- he discussed my hair – i have had locs for almost 2 years now. He said my hairstyle was acceptable at the moment because i was in mining, but that i should learn to change it because “a woman needs to change her hairstyle every week”…
- he said i needed to get over my career, that my time for playing was up and that i needed to settle down as a woman. That “what goes up must eventually come down”. He could not have stressed this point any harder, i swear.
While all this was going on, he was refilling his glasses of Amarula from a bottle in his car. I stayed as polite as i could but i eventually decided i had had enough. I asked to leave.
Now i come from a family where my dad is super proud of me. He talks about his only daughter every chance he gets. Every time i meet a friend or colleague of his, I’m reminded of this fact. My dad told me he didn’t want me to depend on anyone for anything. The attitude that this “date” of mine has towards women is not something i have had to deal with.
I honestly feel discouraged… If men like this are the options i have, I’ll pass on the marriage thing. It’s hard enough to open up to somebody about my relationship fears, but to add this kind of emotional abuse to the equation is not a part of the deal i am willing to take. For now, i’ll remain happily single until i meet that special someone who will trust me, accept my freedom of choice and allow me to work until i CHOOSE to raise our children full time and return to work when the time is right.
Face, Body, Hair and Mining... 